return home
I might add CSS to here one day. Part of me likes how different is from the main site. Either way, this is a vent webpage. It contains mature topics that should not viewed unless you are in the proper mental space. It is pure unfiltered thoughts, if you're one of my friends there might be indirect refrences to you. I don't pull punches here so you might not want to read this. Journals are organized by month with the most recent appearing at the top.
Stupid BF is making me do another. I HATE HIM SO MUCH HE SHOULD DIE STOP BEING, actually nevermind they said they're hot and I'd agree. They can see my screen as I type this. I make a lot of these about my BF. I think it's because he revolves around my life so much. It's honestly a bit unhealthy. I think I have BPD though so that might explain it. I mean I love him but sometimes I feel I press it onto him too much. I'm worried he's gonna break up with me. I don't really wanna talk about him this time though. School is great with the exception of Local Area Networks. I have a C in that class and all other ones are A's. It's because I forgot to turn in a lab and really fucked up some quizes. We have midterms soon and I need to lock in on that because I do not understand physical topologies. The Personal Computers class is super fun though. There's a kid in there I've been talking more to. He plays Destiny 2 and knows his salt about the topics. I like him. The instructor is pretty cool although he AI generates each assignment which can get weird at times. I can't really remember anything after school on any given day. Memories just combine together into one mass and I can't tell what from what cleanly. I can't really handle social interaction so I think I've been hiding more often. At least that's mostly the vibe I get. For Composition I wrote this really good essay on screen time use. I'm working on the final draft now. We did peer reviews and the person I got was horrific at writing. I think I was writing a comment after each sentence. How they made it to college is unknown to me. Not to trash on them too hard it just took me off guard. They wrote mostly in present tense for a Ted Talk that occured in the past which threw me off. I know that's allowed I just find that style of writing very weird. They misunderstood the talk pretty significantly though and took a big all or nothing stance on it. The Talk was about how screens can make people unhappy because they spend too much time on negative apps due to a lack of stopping cues on those apps. He took it as all technology is bad and then formatted his response to be that technology is good which is odd because the Ted Talk author, Adam Alter, didn't make that point at all. Aside from school, I think I've been playing a lot of Chess. I don't remember playing it but when I login I see I played games. It's all so odd. That's all for now.
Where to begin? It's been a crazy last 10 days since my last entry. Suppose the best place to start is the beginning. Went to the HappyHappy concert. I adored everyone who preformed. As expected it was a very small and cozy concert, only around 15 people attended. Still it was a great bonding experince with my bf. I love my bf. After the concert he stayed over at mine. He created this really sweet drawing of me inspired by a picture of me on our second date. On the back was a note, I won't share it all but there was a part I really liked, "There is so much suffering in being human yet you can always capture beauty within that tragedy. I could never hate humans when all I see is that". I have always maintained a disgust for our collective conciousness. People are just so self absorbed, humanity as a whole acts as an impulsive wounded animal so obsessed with itself that it would gladly drown it's own offspring if it were convenient. Perhaps it's that disgust that's blinded me to the truth for so long. Human's, individually, are beautiful. There's something so wonderful about the fleeting moments we have with each other that are ultimately useless. These moments that would only have any true meaning to ourselves.
Anyways after the concert we had sweet passionate sex, talk about fleeting moments lmao. It was very funny. We get home and we drink a tad bit of wine, seriously only like 3 sips. My autism makes me get tipsy very fast so I'm tipsy while he's not feeling anything. He comes onto me, oops no condoms. Have to drive to the gas station with my hair a mess in my PJ's at 1am for condoms. Get home, continue for like 10 minutes before we both get tired and just fall asleep in each other's arms naked. Very fun would recommend. He's so cute and pretty when he sleeps I'm gonna eat him. I feel bad because I was kinda an asshole in the morning and did NOT let him sleep. He only got like 6 hours which is plenty for me but I forget not everyone else has a god awful sleep schedule and is happy with it. We got up, had sex again, I annoyed him with music. We ate breakfast which was extremely yummy (pancakes!). After that he did his gay lil typing games and he had to go home. Very very very fun day.
The following days I have no memory of. They were pretty bad. I talked to my sister about my mental state, wanted to get help, of course I didn't get any because of circumstances I won't discuss. I'm feeling fine now. I've been thinking for a while I have Borderline Personality Disorder with a Panic Disorder. I searched online for coping mechanisms for both and they've helped. It's still a struggle without professional help but I'll live. It's so weird. I can live an entire day or week and just not remember what happened or what interactions I had. Sometime I act completely different from how I would normally act too. Anyways I'm calling my bf and I couldn't be bothered to finish.
The 15th I forced admitted my bf into a hospital. Extremely scary. Not only because I was worried about him but also because I have a phobia of hospitals. I don't want to go into it too much. I might in a later entry. I remember the beeping and scars. It's etched into my memory forever. It's such a scary image. I really pushed myself to my limits that day. I'm so happy I did. For one reason it was a good way to see how much I can handle but also because I do enjoy caring about people. Maybe that's the secret to life. Caring about people so much that you would hit your limit for them and knowing they'd do the same. I think he would do the same to me and that makes me feel good. I've had some really nasty flashbacks and after effects from everything but it's all starting to go away now. I feel like everything has just strengthened our bond and that bond has made me feel amazing despite it all. He's out now and also doing wonderful btw. Seeing a happyhappy concert with him on the 19th. I'm not super knowledgeable on the band but he seems to love it so I am very excited. He's even staying over!!! I love him so much and seeing him get better and get some help was so relieving. I'm actually texting him as I write this. He gave me access to his blog which I like. He has access to mine and it feels like a good display of trust. I LOVE HIM. He said in one of his posts he thinks we might go all the way one day and it made me squeel out of happiness. I know it's still the honeymoon phase so it's not a good time to think about it; but still, he is amazing. No arguements approaching 3 months?? He hasn't even raised his voice with me once. We are both very calm when we have disagreements and sort things out properly which is such an important skill for us both to have. In other news I am very overwhelmed with school. It's really the only major thing that's affecting me mentally. I'm so burnt out. I don't have a good ending. There's more I want to talk about but I'm sleepy and don't want to keep typing this entry. I'll probably talk about it tomorrow.
First journal entry! Also a rollercoaster of emotions. I love my boyfriend. Like I love my boyfriend. He is genuinely perfect. He's currently having his own mental episode and my god am I worried about him. I don't want him to die. I don't know what I'd do without him. I know he likely won't do anything. He tells me he won't and I trust him. Still you can't fault me for not going into a frenzy of worry. I am so fucking terrified of losing him. The worry is a good thing, I know that. It's natural to worry about those you care about. But the worry does affect me. It makes it hard to do daily tasks. I didn't sleep last night in case he might have woken up and needed help. I took a nap earlier but I think I'll stay up tonight doing the same. I don't know how to properly cope with all the worry. I wanted to drink but then I wouldn't be able to properly assist him if I needed to. I wanted to overdose and die for a moment for a while there but then he would kill himself and that doesn't exactly solve any of my problems then. Hence why I created this part of the website, so I can express that worry freely. Honestly it's working great. I feel much more better and relaxed while I type this. I hope he's doing better now. He's currently on call. I'd like to call and check in but I don't want to overwhelm him, there's already quite a few people in the call. He said he'd get help tomorrow. God I hope he does. I'm ready to support him. I feel so powerless at the moment with him, that's why my own mental state plummeted for a while there. How can you not feel powerless? It's not like I can comfort him that well and if I do his thoughts aren't going to go away. All I can do is monitor and try to make the pain a bit easier for him. He needs professional help, more than what I or him can provide. I don't think he'd surrender control though. That's what I'm worried about. I don't believe in his ability to get help. That's a shitty thing to think. He needs that help though, I don't see a way he ends up alive without the help. I'd also feel much better with him getting constant care. I feel much better about him lasting through tonight though and I am ready to support him. I do mean that I will support him through whatever the fuck life throws at him. I'm not leaving his side. I'm simply worried my support won't be enough. I feel much better now. I'm going to check in on him.
Finished checking in on him. It has been about 2 hour since the last paragraph. It is technically the next day; I am writing this at 00:04. I am very sleepy but it is increasignly unlikely I'll get much rest tonight. I feel much better now. Boyfriend is asleep. He'll be okay, I'm sure of it now. I wish I could take the day off tomorrow. Im tired, exhausted even; but, no rest for the wicked. Just need to keep going. My boyfriend mentions I talk to myself a lot. This is odd to me, I didn't know this. I wonder if people can read my lips to know my thoughts... creepy. I want to find more badges for this site. I think that's what I'll spend tonight doing. I might actually sleep tonight as I am feeling much better. Maybe I'll do badges, eat, and sleep? I don't know it doesn't sound like that bad of a game plan.